Celebration

	Table One
Waiter	Who's having the duck?
Lambert	The duck's for me.
Julie	No it isn't.
Lambert	No it isn't. Who's it for?
Julie	Me.
Lambert	What am I having? I thought I was having the duck.
Julie (to waiter)	The duck's for me.
Matt (to waiter)	Chicken for my wife, steak for me.
waiter	Chicken for the lady.
Prue	Thank you so much.
waiter	And who's having the steak?
Matt	Me (He picks up the wine bottle and pours) Here we are. Frascati for the ladies and Valpolicella for me.
Lambert	And me? I mean, what about me? What did I order? I haven't the faintest idea. What did I order?
Julie	Who cares?
Lambert	Who cares? I bloody care.
Prue	Osso buco.
Lambert	Osso what?
Prue	Buco.
Matt	It's an old Italian dish.
Lambert	Well, I knew osso was Italian but I know bugger all about buco.
Matt	I didn't know asshole was Italian.
Lambert	Yes, but in the other hand what's the Italian for asshole?
Prue	Julie, Lambert. Happy Anniversary.
Matt	Cheers.

	They lift their glasses and drink.

	Table Two
Russell	They believe in me.
Suki	Who do?
Russell	They do. What do you mean, who do? They do.
Suki	Oh, do they?
Russell	Yes, they believe in me. They reckon me. They're investing in me. My nous. They believe in me.
Suki	Listen. I believe you. Honestly, I do. No really, honestly. I'm sure they believe in you. I mean, listen, I want you to be rich, believe me. I want you to be rich so you can but me houses and panties and I'll know that you really love me.

	They drink

Russell	Listen, she was just a secretary. That's all. No more.
Suki	Like me.
Russell	What do you mean like you? She was nothing like you.
Suki	I was a secretary once.
Russell	She was a scrubber. A tart. They're all the same, these secretaries, these scrubbers. They're like politicians. They love power. They've got a bit of power, they use it. They go home, they get on the phone, they tell their girlfriends. Listen to me. I'm being honest. You won't find many like me. I fell for it. I've admitted it. She just twisted me round her little finger.

Suki	That's funny. I thought she twisted you round your little finger.
	Pause.
Russell	You don't know what these girls are like. These secretaries.
Suki	Oh I think I do.
Russell	You don't.
Suki	Oh I do.
Russell	What do you mean, you do?
Suki	I've been behind a few filing cabinets.
Russell	What?
Suki	In my time. When I was a plump young secretary. I know what the back of a filing cabinet looks like.
Russell	Oh, do you?
Suki	Oh yes. Listen. I would invest in you myself if I had any money. Do you know why? Because I believe in you.
Russell	What's all this about filing cabinets?
Suki	Oh, that was when I was a plump young secretary. I would never do all those things now. Never. Out of the question. You see, the trouble was I was so excitable, their excitement made me so excited, but I would never do all those things now. I'm a grown-up woman and not a silly young thing, a silly and dizzy young girl, such a naughty, saucy, flirty, giggly young thing: sometimes I could hardly walk from one filing cabinet to another I was so excited. I was so plump and wobbly it was terrible, men simply couldn't keep their hands off me, their demands were outrageous but coming back to more important things, they're right to believe in you, why shouldn't they believe in you?

	Table One
Julie	I've always told him. Always. But he doesn't listen. I tell him all the time. But he doesn't listen.
Prue	You mean he just doesn't listen!
Julie	I tell him all the time.
Prue (to Lambert)	Why don't you listen to your wife? She stands by you through thick and thin. You've got a loyal wife there and never forget it.
Lambert	I've got a loyal wife where?
Prue	Here! At this table
Lambert	I've got one under the table, take my tip. (He looks under the table.) Christ. She's really loyal under the table. Always has been. You wouldn't believe it.

Julie	Why don't you go and buy a new car and drive it into a brick wall?
Lambert	She loves me.
Matt	No, she loves new cars.
Lambert	With soft leather seats.
Matt	There was a song once.
Lambert	How did it go?
Matt	"Ain't she neat? Ain't she neat? As she's walking up the street. She's got a lovely bubbly pair of tits. And a soft leather seat."

Lambert	That's a really beautiful song.
Matt	I've always admired that song. You know what it is? It's a traditional folk song.
Lambert	It's got class.
Matt	It's got tradition and class.
Lambert	They don't grow on trees.
Matt	Too bloody right.
Lambert	Hey, Matt!
Matt	What?

	Lambert picks up the bottle of Valpolicella. It is empty.

Lambert	There's something wrong with this bottle.

	Matt turns and calls.

Matt	Waiter!

	Table Two
Russell	All right. Tell me. Do you think I have a nice character?
Suki	Yes, I think you do. I think you do. Well.... I mean.... I think you could have quite a nice character but the trouble is that when you come down to it you haven't actually got any character to begin with - I mean as such, that's the thing.

Russell	As such?
Suki	Yes, the thing is you haven't really got any character at all, have you? As such. Au fond. But I wouldn't worry about it. For example look at me. I don't have any character either. I'm just a reed. I'm just a reed in the wind. Aren't I? You know I am. I'm just a reed in the wind.

Russell	You're a whore.
Suki	A whore in the wind.
Russell	With the wind blowing up your skirt.
Suki	That's right. How did you know? How did you know the sensation? I didn't know that men could possibly know about that kind of thing. So I didn't think men could possibly know what it was like when the wind blows up a girl's skirt. Because men don't wear skirts.

Russell	You're a prick.
Suki	Not quite.
Russell	You're a prick.
Suki	Good gracious. Am I really?
Russell	Yes. That's what you really are.

	Table One
Lambert	What's that other song you know? The one you said was a classic.
Matt	"Wash me in the water where you washed your dirty daughter."
Lambert	That's it. (To Julie) Know that one?
Julie	It's not in my repertoire, darling.
Lambert	This is the best restaurant in town. That's what they say.
Matt	That's what they say.
Lambert	This is a piss-up dinner. Do you know how much money I made last year?
Matt	I know this is a piss-up dinner.
Lambert	It is a piss-up dinner.
Prue (to Julie)	His mother always hated me. The first time she saw me she hated me. She never gave me one present in the whole of her life. She wouldn't give me the drippings off her nose.

Julie	I know.
Prue	The drippings off her nose. Honestly.
Julie	All mothers-in-law are like that. They love their sons. They love their boys. They don't want their sons to be fucked by other girls. Isn't that right?

Prue	Absolutely. All mothers want their sons to be fucked by themselves.
Julie	By their mothers.
Prue	All mothers---
Lambert	All mothers want to be fucked by their mothers.
Matt	Or by themselves.
Prue	No, you've got it the wrong way round.
Lambert	How's that?
Matt	All mothers want to be fucked by their sons.
Lambert	Now wait a minute---
Matt	My point is---
Lambert	No, my point is----how old do you have to be?
Julie	To be what?
Lambert	To be fucked by your mother?
Matt	Any age, mate. Any age.

	They all drink

Lambert	How did you enjoy your dinner, darling?
Julie	I wasn't impressed.
Lambert	You weren't impressed?
Julie	No
Lambert	I bring her to the best caff in town---spending a fortune---and she's not impressed.
Matt	Don't forget this is your anniversary. That's why we're here.
Lambert	What anniversary?
Prue	It's your wedding anniversary.
Lambert	All I know is this is the most expensive fucking restaurant and she's not impressed.

	Richard comes to the table.

Richard	Good evening.
Matt	Good evening.
Prue	Good evening.
Julie	Good evening.
Lambert	Good evening, Richard. How have you been?
Richard	Very, very well. Been to a play?
Matt	No. The ballet.
Richard	Oh, the ballet? What was it?
Lambert	That's a fucking good question.
Matt	It's unanswerable.
Richard	Good, was it?
Lambert	Unbelievable.
Julie	What ballet?
Matt	None of them could reach the top notes. Could they?
Richard	Good dinner?
Matt	Fantastic.
Lambert	Top-notch. Gold-plated.
Prue	Delicious.
Lambert	My wife wasn't impressed.
Richard	Oh, really?
Julie	I liked the waiter.
Richard	Which one?
Julie	The one with the fur-lined jockstrap.
Lambert	He takes it off for breakfast.
Julie	Which is more than you do.
Richard	Well, how nice to see you all.
Prue	She wasn't impressed with her food. It's true. She said so. She thought it was dry as dust. She said---what did you say, darling?---she's my sister---she said she could cook better than that with one hand stuffed between her legs; she said---no, honestly---she said she could make better sauce than the one on her plate if she pissed into it. Don't think she was joking---she's my sister, I've known her all my life, all my life, since we were little innocent girls, all our lives, when we were babies, when we used to lie in the nursery and hear Mummy beating the shit out of Daddy. We saw blood on the sheets the next day---when Nanny was in the pantry---my sister and me---and Nanny was in the pantry---and the pantry maid was in the larder and the parlor maid was in the laundry room washing the blood out of the sheets. That's how my little sister and I were brought up and she could make better sauce than yours if she pissed into it.

Matt	Well, it's lovely to be here, I'll say that.
Lambert	Lovely to be here.
Julie	Lovely. Lovely.
Matt	Really lovely.
Richard	Thank You

	Prue stands and goes to Richard.

Prue	Can I thank you? Can I thank you personally? I'd like to thank you myself, in my own way.
Richard	Well, thank you.
Prue	No, no, I'd really like to thank you in a very personal way.
Julie	She'd like to give you her personal thanks.
Prue	Will you let me kiss you? I'd like to kiss you on the mouth.
Julie	That's funny. I'd like to kiss him on the mouth too. She stands and goes to him. Because I've been maligned, I've been misrepresented. I never said I didn't like your sauce. I love your sauce.

Prue	We can't both kiss him on the mouth at the same time.
Lambert	You could tickle his arse with a feather.
Richard	Well, I'm so glad. I'm really glad. See you later I hope
	Richard goes. Prue and Julie sit.

	Silence.

Matt	Charming man.
Lambert	That's why this is the best and most expensive restaurant in the whole of Europe---because he insists upon proper standards, he insists that standards are maintained with the utmost rigor, you get me? That standards are maintained up to the highest standards, up to the very highest fucking standards-----

Matt	He doesn't jib.
Lambert	Jib? Of course he doesn't jib---it would be more than his life was worth. He jibs at nothing!
Prue	I knew him in the old days.
Matt	What do you mean?
Prue	When he was a chef.
	Lambert's mobile phone rings.
Lambert	Who the fuck's this? He switches it on. Yes? What? (He listens briefly.) I said no calls! It's my fucking wedding anniversary! He switches it off. Cunt.

	Table Two
Suki	I'm so proud of you.
Russell	Yes?
Suki	And I know these people are good people. These people who believe in you. They're good people. Aren't they?
Russell	Very good people.
Suki	And when I meet them, when you introduce me to them, they'll treat me with respect, won't they? They won't want to fuck me behind a filing cabinet?

	Sonia comes to the table.
Sonia	Good evening.
Russell	Good evening.
Suki	Good evening.
Sonia	Everything all right?
Russell	Wonderful.
Sonia	No complaints?
Russell	Absolutely no complaints whatsoever. Absolutely numero uno all along the line.
Sonia	What a lovely compliment.
Russell	Heartfelt.
Sonia	Been to the theater?
Suki	The opera.
Sonia	Oh, really, what was it?
Suki	Well....there was a lot going on. A lot of singing. A great deal, as a matter of fact. They never stopped. Did they?
Russell (to Sonia)	Listen, let me ask you something.
Sonia	You can ask me absolutely anything.
Russell	What was your upbringing?
Sonia	That's funny. Everybody asks me that. Everybody seems to find that an interesting subject. I don't know why. Isn't it funny? So many people express curiosity about my upbringing. I've no idea why. What you really mean of course is how did I arrive at the position I hold now---maîtresse d'hôtel---isn't that right? Isn't that your question? Well, I was born in Bethnal Green. My mother was a chiropodist. I had no father.

Russell	Fantastic.
Sonia	Are you going to try our bread-and-butter pudding?
Russell	In spades.

	Sonia smiles and goes.

Russell	Did I ever tell you about my mother's bread-and-butter pudding?
Suki	You never have. Please tell me.
Russell	You really want me to tell you? You're not being insincere?
Suki	Darling. Give me your hand. There. I have your hand. I'm holding your hand. Now please tell me. Please tell me about your mother's bread-and-butter pudding. What was it like?

Russell	It was like drowning in an ocean of richness.
Suki	How beautiful. You're a poet.
Russell	I wanted to be a poet once. But I got no encouragement from my dad. He thought I was an arsehole.
Suki	He was jealous of you, that's all. He saw you as a threat. He thought you wanted to steal his wife.
Russell	His wife?
Suki	Well, you know what they say.
Russell	What?
Suki	Oh, you know what they say.

	The Waiter comes to the table and pours wine.

Waiter	Do you mind if I interject?
Russell	Eh?
Waiter	I say. do you mind if I make an interjection?
Suki	We'd welcome it..
Waiter	It's just that I heard you talking about T. S. Eliot a little bit earlier this evening.
Suki	Oh, you heard that, did you?
Waiter	I did. And I thought you might be interested to know that my grandfather knew T. S. Eliot. quite well.
Suki	Really?
Waiter	I'm not claiming that he was a close friend. But he was a damn sight more than a nodding acquaintance. He knew them all, in fact, Ezra Pound, W. H. Auden, C. Day-Lewis, Louis MacNiece, Stephen Spender, George Barker, Dylan Thomas, and if you go back a few years he was a bit of a drinking companion of D. H. Lawrence, Joseph Conrad, Ford Madox Ford, W, B. Yeats, Aldous Huxley, Virginia Woolf, and Thomas Hardy in his dotage. My grandfather was carving out a niche for himself in politics at the time. Some saw him as a future Chancellor of the Exchequer or at least First Lord of the Admiralty but he decided instead to command a battalion in the Spanish Civil War but as things turned out he spent most of his spare time in the United States where he was a very close pal of Ernest Hemingway---they used to play gin rummy together until the cows came home. But he was also boon compatriots with William Faulkner, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Upton Sinclair, John Dos Passos---you know, that whole vivid Chicago gang---not to mention John Steinbeck, Erskine Caldwell, Carson McCullers, and other members of the old Deep South conglomerate. I mean---what I'm trying to say is---that as a man my grandfather was just about as all-round as you can get. He was never without his pocket Bible and he was a dab hand at pocket billiards. He stood four-[square in the center of the intellectual and literary life of the tens, twenties, and thirties. He was James Joyce's godmother.

	Silence.

Russell	Have you been working here long?
Waiter	Years.
Russell	You going to stay until it changes hands?
Waiter	Are you suggesting I'm about to get the boot?
Suki	They wouldn't do that to a nice lad like you.
Waiter	To be brutally honest, I don't think I'd recover if they did a thing like that. This place is like a womb to me. I prefer to stay in my womb. I strongly prefer that to being born.

Russell	I don't blame you. Listen, next time we're talking about T. S Eliot I'll drop you a card.
Waiter	You would make me a very happy man. Thank you. Thank you. You are incredibly gracious people.
Suki	How sweet of you.
Waiter	Gracious and grateful.

	He goes.

Suki	What a nice young man.

	Table One
Lambert	You won't believe this. You're not going to believe this---and I'm only saying this because I'm amongst friends---and I know I'm well liked because I trust my family and my friends---because I know they like me fundamentally---you know, deep down they trust me, deep down they respect me---otherwise I wouldn't say this. I wouldn't take you all into my confidence if I thought you all hated my guts---I couldn't be open and honest with you if I thought you thought I was a pile of shit. If I thought you would like to see me hung, drawn and fucking quartered---I could never be frank and honest with you if that was the truth---never......

	Silence.

	But as I was about to say, you won't believe this. I fell in love once and this girl I fell in love with loved me back. I know she did.

	Pause.

Julie	Wasn't that me, darling?
Lambert	Who?
Matt	Her.
Lambert	Her? No, not her. A girl. I used to take her for walks along the river.
Julie	Lambert fell in love with me on the top of the bus. It was a short journey. Fulham Broadway to Shepherd's Bush, but it was enough. He was trembling all over. I remember. (To Prue) When I got home I came and sat on your bed, didn't I?

Lambert	I used to take this girl for walks along the river. I was young. I wasn't much more than a nipper.
Matt	That's funny. I never knew anything about that. And I knew you quite well, didn't I?
Lambert	What do you mean you knew me quite well? You knew nothing about me. You know nothing about me. Who the fuck are you anyway?

Matt	I'm your big brother.
Lambert	I'm talking about love, mate. You know, real fucking love, walking along the banks of a river holding hands.
Matt	I saw him the day he was born. You know what he looked like? An alcoholic. Pissed as a newt. He could hardly stand.

Julie	He was trembling like a leaf on top of that bus. I'll never forget it.
Prue	I was there when you came home. I remember what you said. You came into my room. You sat down on my bed.
Matt	What did you say?
Prue	I mean we were sisters, weren't we?
Matt	Well, what did she say?
Prue	I'll never forget what you said. You sat on my bed. Didn't you? Do you remember?
Lambert	The girl was in love with me---I'm trying to tell you.
Prue	Do you remember what you said?

	Table Two
	Richard comes to the table.

Richard	Good evening.
Russell	Good evening.
Suki	Good evening.
Richard	Everything in order?
Russell	First class.
Richard	I'm so glad.
Suki	Can I say something?
Richard	But indeed----
Suki	Everyone is so happy in your restaurant. I mean women and men. You make people so happy.
Richard	Well, we do like to feel that it's a happy restaurant.
Russell	It is a happy restaurant. For example, look at me. Look at me. I'm basically a totally disordered personality; some people would describe me as a psychopath. (To Suki) Am I right?

Suki	Yes.
Russell	But when I'm sitting in this restaurant I suddenly find I have no psychopathic tendencies at all. I don't feel like killing everyone in sight, I don't feel like putting a bomb under everyone's arse. I feel something quite different, I have a sense of equilibrium, of harmony, I love my fellow diners. Now this is very unusual for me. Normally I feel---as I've just said---absolute malice and hatred towards everyone within spitting distance---but here I feel love. How do you explain it?

Suki	It's the ambience.
Richard	Yes, I think ambience is that intangible thing that cannot be defined.
Russell	Quite right.
Suki	It is intangible. You're absolutely right.
Russell	Absolutely.
Richard	That is absolutely right. But it does---I would freely admit---exist. It's something you find you are a part of. Without knowing exactly what it is.

Russell	Yes. I had an old schoolmaster once who used to say that ambience surrounds you. He never stopped saying that. He lived in a little house in a nice little village but none of is boys were ever invited to tea.

Richard	Yes, it's funny you should say that. I was brought up in a little village myself.
Suki	No? Were you?
Richard	Yes, isn't it odd? In a little village in the country.
Russell	What, right in the country?
Richard	Oh, absolutely. And my father once took me to our village pub. I was only that high. Too young to join him for his pint, of course. But I did look in. Black beams.

Russell	On the roof?
Richard	Well, holding the ceiling up in fact. Old men smoking pipes, no music of course, cheese rolls, gherkins, happiness. I think this restaurant---which you so kindly patronize---was inspired by that pub in my childhood. I do hope you noticed that you have complimentary gherkins as soon as you take your seat.

Suki	That was you! That was your idea!
Richard	I believe the concept of this restaurant rests in that public house of my childhood.
Suki	I find that incredibly moving.

	Table One
Lambert	I'd like to raise my glass.
Matt	What to?
Lambert	To my wife. To my anniversary.
Julie	Oh, darling! You remembered!
Lambert	I'd like to raise my glass. I ask you to raise your glasses to my wife.
Julie	I'm so touched by this, honestly. I mean I have to say----
Lambert	Raise your fucking glass and shut up!
Julie	But darling, that's naked aggression. He doesn't normally go in for naked aggression. He usually disguises it under honeyed words. What is it, sweetie? He's got a cold in the nose, that's what it is,

Lambert	I want us to drink to our anniversary. We've been married more bloody years than I can remember and it don't seem a day too long.

Prue	Cheers.
Matt	Cheers.
Julie	It's funny our children aren't here. When they were young we spent so much time with them, the little things, looking after them.

Prue	I know.
Julie	Playing with them.
Prue	Feeding them.
Julie	Being their mothers.
Prue	They always loved me much more than they loved him.
Julie	Me too. They loved me to distraction. I was their mother.
Prue	Yes, I was too. I was my children's mother.
Matt	They have no memory.
Lambert	Who?
Matt	Children. They have no memory. They remember nothing. They don't remember who their father was or who their mother was. It's all a hole in the wall for them. They don't remember their own life.

	Sonia comes to the table.

Sonia	Everything all right?
Julie	Perfect.
Sonia	Were you at the opera this evening?
Julie	No.
Prue	No.
Sonia	Theater?
Prue	No.
Julie	No.
Matt	This is a celebration.
Sonia	Oh my goodness. A birthday?
Matt	Anniversary.
Prue	My sister and her husband. Anniversary of their marriage. I was her leading bridesmaid.
Matt	I was his best man.
Lambert	I was just about to fuck her at the alter when somebody stopped me.
Sonia	Really?
Matt	I stopped him. His zip went down and I kicked him up the arse. It would have been a scandal. The world's press was on the doorstep.

Julie	He was always impetuous.
Sonia	We get so many different kinds of people in here, people from all walks of life.
Prue	Do you really?
Sonia	Oh, yes. People from all walks of life. People from different countries. I've often said, "You don't have to speak English to enjoy good food." I've often said that. Or even understand English. It's like sex, isn't it? You don't have to be English to enjoy sex. Lots of people enjoy sex without being English. I've known one or two Belgian people, for example, who love sex and they don't speak a word of English. The same applies to Hungarians.

Lambert	Yes. I met a chap who was born in Venezuela once and he didn't speak a fucking word of English.
Matt	Did he enjoy sex?
Lambert	Sex?
Sonia	Yes, it's funny you should say that. I met a man from Morocco once and he was very interested in sex.
Julie	What happened to him?
Sonia	Now you've upset me. I think I'm going to cry.
Prue	Oh, poor dear. Did he let you down?
Sonia	He's dead. He died in another woman's arms. He was on the job. Can you see how tragic my life has been?

	Pause.

Matt	Well, I can. I don't know about the others.
Julie	I can too.
Prue	So can I.
Sonia	Have a happy night.
	She goes.
Lambert	Lovely woman.

	The Waiter comes to the table and pours wine into their glasses.

Waiter	Do you mind if I interject?
Matt	What?
Waiter	Do you mind if I make an interjection?
Matt	Help yourself.
Waiter	It's just that a little bit earlier I heard you saying something about the Hollywood studio system in the thirties.
Prue	Oh, you heard that?
Waiter	Yes. And I thought you might be interested to know that my grandfather was very familiar with a lot of the old Hollywood film stars back in those days. He used to knock about with Clark Gable and Elisha Cook, Jr. and he was one of the very few native-born Englishmen to have had it off with Hedy Lamarr.

Julie	No!
Lambert	What was she like in the sack?
Waiter	He said she was very tasty.
Julie	I'll bet she was.
Waiter	Of course there was a very well established Irish Mafia in Hollywood in those days. And there was a very close connection between some of the famous Irish film stars and some of the famous Irish Gangsters in Chicago. Al Capone and Victor Mature, for example. They were both Irish. Then there was John Dillinger, the celebrated gangster, and Gary Cooper, the celebrated film star. They were Jewish.

	Silence

Julie	It makes you think, doesn't it?
Prue	It makes you think.
Lambert	You see the girl at that table? I know her. I fucked her when she was eighteen.
Julie	What, by the banks of the river?

	Lambert waves at Suki. Suki waves back. Suki whispers to Russell, gets up, and goes to Lambert's table, followed by Russell.

Suki	Lambert! It's you!
Lambert	Suki! You remember me?
Suki	Do you remember me?
Lambert	Do I remember you? Do I remember you!